One good thing came of the trainwreck this week.

I spent some time at the second hand store searching for costume accessories.  Hey, if I was going to hack my way through the song, at least I could look good doing it.  Second-hand stores are not on my normal shopping route, although with this economy I’m seriously reconsidering. I lucked out and went on “Blue Tag Monday”.  All blue tag items were 99 cents.  Unlike my sister, I’m a horrible bargain shopper.  I have a hard time seeing the value unless it’s regular price.  I think it’s a genetic predisposition to getting ripped off.    Consequently I ended up with only one blue tag item.

When I got home, I modeled my outfit for the kids.  To which Maddy said,

“Wow Mom, you look like a 50s trophy wife.  Keep it on until Dad gets home!”

Dinner had to be made and I felt pretty self conscious wearing pearls around my neck, a scarf around my head, and pink rubber gloves while browning the ground turkey.  So, I changed back into my jeans and sweatshirt.  I hung up my costume and set aside my accessories.  All except for one.

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My 99 cent pair of reading glasses.

I kinda liked them.

Of course I couldn’t see a darn thing so I popped out the lenses and wore them out to the kitchen to make dinner.

And I wore them to eat dinner.

In fact I wore them all evening.

I’m wearing them right now!

I really like them!

It reminds me of the time when I was in 8th grade and I bought a pair of fake glasses and wore them to classes.  I felt cerebral.  Like I was taken a little more seriously.  Like I might get better grades if I looked like I should.  I think I might have even studied a little harder with those beauties on. If you stretched…just a little… maybe I could attribute my acceptance to BYU to my fake eyewear.  OK, that’s a stretch.

I haven’t had the courage to wear them out of my house yet, although I might give it a try down at our dinky supermarket in town.  I never see anyone I know there.  Probably because it always smells like old chicken and it’s reserved strictly as a last resort desperation destination.  (WHEN are they going to build the new grocery store, people!?!)

In the meantime I’ve come up with a list of situations when these lovely little glasses could come in handy:

• At the library when faced with an extensive late fee bill.  “Ma’am, I’m quite certain I saw that book in the kid’s room just this morning.  I will bring it by when I bring back my copy of  “Man’s Search for Meaning”.
• At the boy’s school.  “Why yes Mrs. H, I did homeschool the kids the last couple of years.  We studied marsupials extensively and I think you were wrong when you marked #3 incorrect.  A koala is indeed a marsupial.”
• At the car dealer.  “I’m sorry.  I’m quite aware that the car industry is going through, shall we say, a serious crisis.  You got a better price for me Sir, or should I just leave now and stop wasting both our time?”
• At Home Depot.  “Excuse me, would you be a doll and point me in the direction of the half inch Impact Wrenches with  Rocker Switches and  Detent Pin Socket Retention?”
• At home when the door-to-door salesman comes by selling that magic spray in a bottle that I’ve been suckered into one too many times.  “I know what you’re doing here Mister!  You’ve got some illegally strong chemical in that bottle of yours that will take the siding off my house if I let you.  What I get in exchange for handing over my “Wicked Tickets Fund” is a diluted jug of lemonade that will frustrate me to no end as I rub my fingers bloody in an attempt to remove pencil doodles  from my delicate white wainscoting.  And there’s no way I’ll believe that all those forged signatures on your tattered list represent my gullible friends and neighbors.  No way, no how will I be suckered again!  And don’t come back!”

I apologize to anyone who really has to wear reading glasses.  The grass has always seemed greener on the other side of your fence.  I’m sure one day I’ll be able to hop on over and find out for myself.  But for now, I’ll take advantage of my 99 cent bargain! (That is, unless Maddy swipes them from me again.  What is she?  In 8th grade or something? Sheesh!)

Happy Thursday