I’m Going to He** in a handbasket…
Tonight…
At precisely 7:00…
On the stage of our church…
(Get there early for good seats)
It’s going to be a trainwreck.
The women of our church meet once a month on a Tuesday night for a little inspiration, instruction, and calorie-laden dessert. This month our topic is cleaning and organizing. I was asked to teach a mini-class on organization. I deferred, claiming I’m not really very organized. Truth be told, I’d rather stick a fork in my eyeball than speak in public. So, she politely asked me if I’d be interested in playing a small part in a skit instead.
Now, in my head I was picturing the monthly cub scout pack meeting skits. You know, the 15 second spot where the boys pretend to eat trail mix and find out it’s really bunny droppings, or something along those lines. A quick skit with a line or two from all participants.
So, I said, “Sure, I’d be happy to help out…that doesn’t count as public speaking, right?” With a glint in her eye and a polite smile she left.
I took the copy of the skit and being the procrastinator that I am, I set it aside.
I finally picked it up last week to read through.
HOLY TOLEDO! My part is HUGE! And, the worst part?
(drum roll….)
I have to sing!
SOLO!
A CAPELLA!
FREAKING OUT. STILL. A WEEK LATER!!!
I’d rather stick a fork, two knives, and a screwdriver in both eyes, naked, than sing in public!!! (OK, maybe not the naked part). The last time I sang a solo? Never. Ever. The last time I sang in a choir? Never. Ever. The last time I sang in front of my family? Last night. Because I had to practice. Whereupon I heard:
“Why did they pick you for this part?”
“Oh, you sound really baaaad, Mom”.
“Promise me you’ll never do that again.”
And the ultimate insult:
“Dad sings better than you.” !!!
I’m not sure why she chose me for the part. In real life I’m quiet and reserved and I’m a backseat kind of a girl. Is she exacting her revenge on me for forgetting to bring the funeral potatoes to the last funeral? Could be. In any case, it’s too late to bow out. I’m doomed.
As I’ve been contemplating this unfortunate fate of mine, I had to make a decision.
Do I mumble through the song quietly and timidly hoping nobody notices that I’m trying to sing and run the risk of people thinking, “Wow, that was lame.” Or do I power it out loudly in the spirit of William Hung, overly dramatic hand gestures and all, and run the risk of people thinking, “Wow, I wonder if she actually thinks she’s a good singer“.
I’m going for the latter. It will be a disaster either way. At least this way, I’ll make a big impression and everyone will remember never to invite me to do anything on stage. Ever. Again.
So, if you get there tonight and I’m nowhere to be found, check for missing forks, knives and screwdrivers. Maybe I’ll get lucky…
My script is calling…
Happy Tuesday!
Ho-ly. I’d have a nervous breakdown. I’d prefer public speaking with spiders crawling on me to singing.
Back in high school my voice teacher (who was trying to cure my tone deafness) assigned a duet to me and a friend who is an EXCELLENT singer. What she didn’t say was that my part of the song was about 3/4 of it. Not much of a “duet.” Yeah. That wasn’t at all embarrassing.
Good luck!
Oh no, that would be me getting pulled into something-agreeing and not knowing what it is. Break a leg!
If you’re gonna do it, do it big!! When will you ever have an opportunity like this again?
Besides, if you belt it out loud and proud and sing badly, they will probably think you did it on purpose. It is better to laugh with than to be laughed at.
Just get up there, picture everyone in their underwear, and whatever you do, don’t take yourself too seriously.
Most important, make sure you video it and post it so we can all see.
Oh no! I totally feel for you! I think I would rather be locked out of my house naked then sing a solo in public… but then again… I can’t sing and I also hate speaking in public… nerves…
Good Luck and I hope all goes well! I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best!
Oh my, I had forgotten about this occasion. I’m sure I would have forgotten and missed it. But now I’m gonna be there FOR SURE!
And keeping an eye on the utensil drawer…
Do you know anyone who’s sick? Can you try to catch something? As another backseat kind of girl (is there something a little risque about that phrase?), oh boy, do I feel for you.
That is like my worst nightmare! Our ward had a Halloween drama skit thing and they wrote this part just for me. It was to be…barbie. Which would have been ok, but then I had to act like Barbie and say act like Barbie — there was a script and everything. Luckily I told them NO a week before. But, YOU are a wonderful speaker. You will be great! And singing? You can do that….no problem! (Is Ralf bringing the camcorder????)
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Jennifer
Hilarious!! I want video of this!
Good luck with that! Glad it’s you and not me
Let us know how it goes!
I sooooo feel your pain! I hate speaking in public and I couldn’t even imagine singing!! Good luck! Just think it will be over soon and most of the audience will just be glad it is you and not them!!!
You know how the saying goes.. ‘if I could be a fly on a wall’
I’d pick your church wall tonight for sure:) good luck
Maybe you could kinda “talk” your way through it. You know how peopls just sorta talk to the beat?
Or Heck! Rap it!
you did such a GOOD job, I loved it! You looked so hott and Rolf got it all on camera!!
Please post the video!! Sounds too good to miss.
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