I don’t know what the deal is with our new ward. In all other wards I’ve belonged to, if you got to church at least 10 minutes early, you had a great shot at getting the “good seats”. (i.e. fabric covered padded benches on carpet.) Sure, if you were a mere 8 minutes early you might have been stuck trying to squash your family of 6 into the very back side bench made for no more than 4. But you were still assured the “good seats”.

This place is different. Not one Sunday has gone by that we’ve arrived early enough to get good seats. One Sunday Ralf even got worked up after a morning of rushing around, getting kids dressed, packing church bags, gathering shoes and socks and piling into the car only to find, again, that we missed out on the “good seats”. In his frustration he blurted out “If we weren’t always LATE to church, this wouldn’t happen!” To which I patiently pointed out that we were actually 10 minutes early…

In our quest for the “good seats” one Sunday we made it 20 minutes early. Yep, you guessed it, still no “good seats” for us. I think it’s a conspiracy against all the new people, but I have yet to prove my theory. I guess we could try and be 30 minutes early next time just to see if that would make a diference. But, to be honest, it wouldn’t be worth it to me. An extra half hour of keeping my kids quiet, engaged, and reverent on top of the hour of sacrament meeting, just to get “good seats”? No thanks.

So, I have resigned myself to the fact that we will be permanent fixtures in the “bad seats”. For those of you who either always get the “good seats” or haven’t had the opportunity to experience a sacrament meeting at a mormon church, let me explain what the “bad seats” are.

When the chapel full of “good seat” fills up, the accordion-style door to the cultural hall (i.e. basketball gym/stage area) opens up lined with cold, folding metal chairs with an aisle down the middle. The floors are usually hardwood polished to a smooth sheen.

I’ve actually come to peace with this reality. Certainly there are worse things that I could be complaining about. But my point to this post is not to complain. It’s actually to offer some tips and advice to those of you who have also found yourselves week after week in the “bad seats” in sacrament meeting. I know I’m not alone. So just for you, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips so you can make the most of your time in the “bad seats”.

Items to add to your church bag:

• Magnetic numbers and letters. You know, the kind that you can find on almost every first time parent’s refrigerator. They stick wonderfully to every part of the metal chair.

• Cloth books. We have never been big fans of these. Luckily, my kids are all too old for them but for those of you with littler ones, these are the kinds of books that have shoelaces to tie, or zippers to zip, or buttons to button. They are made not of paper but of nice soft fabric. Why these particular books? Because when they’re dropped they land silently or, heaven forbid, when they’re chucked at the snoozing elderly couple a few rows in front of you, they don’t leave a mark.

• A few extra pairs of socks. Why? Just slip them on over the kids’ shoes making them stealthily silent, and if you’re lucky, when the unruly kids run away from you, you avoid having the entire congregation look back and wonder whose kid that is. If you’re not lucky they may discover that the socks make awesome skates.

• A baby blanket. No baby? No problem. A good baby blanket can be folded in half and half again to make a great pillow for your tush on high council Sundays.

Items to remove from your church bag:

• Cheerios, pretzels, crackers, Kix. No need to make a scene when the baggie full of them gets turned upside down and scatters in all directions across the floor. Instead pack some mini marshmallows, gummy bears, and raisins. Silent, bouncy, and tidy.

• Felt scripture figures. No need. Nothing to stick them to without the velcro-like fabric of the “good seats”.

• Anything metal. Metal on metal and the gym acoustics? Really bad combination.

That’s all I’ve got. If you can add to my list, leave me a comment. I think all of us who have resigned ourselves to the “bad seats” could benefit from any and all advice.